I went on a binging spree researching about my health conditions that I tried to ignore this last few months, thinking fatalistically, and telling my myself that if I die, I die, and so it doesn't make a difference if I manage my PCOS and my Diabetes or not. Yes, I rebelled from the restrictive diet that I had to follow, and I went back to my old habits of eating sugars, not paying attention to what I eat and weigh, and not exercising.
But the last few weeks, I have been in one of my neurotic moods where I was very sad, manic-depressive, and just don't have the energy nor joy to face a in-another-state-of-mind beautiful day. Then I noticed that I have missed my period and I have been feeling a general throbbing pain in my lower tummy. Sometimes, it is throbbing, but sometimes it is sharp and it feels like a shock wave crossing across my abdomen. I began to voraciously read again about ectopic pregnancy, ovarian cysts, insulin resistance and pregnancy in general.
I have been feeling the early signs of pregnancy: mammary tenderness, nausea, and some sensitivity to smell but then today, every one of these symptoms disappeared. So again, I don't know if I am pregnant. I should be able to do a hpt next week.
I was trying to remember if it felt like this when I first suffered from the tubal pregnancy in 2008. Just thinking about undergoing another surgery, and the dragging months of recovery that would follow makes me want to just lie down and die.
Plus when I look at myself in the mirror, the person looking back at me is someone I do not know. She is so ugly, what with her acne-ravished face and her coarse dry hair and the lack of life in those eyes with the droopy eyelids. I hate her.
It is good I still have work, and people to take care of. Thank God.
Lord, sorry for being such a pain... if the earth would open its mouth because of my complaints, I probably would have been swallowed already. (I'm not complaining though, you know, I'm just sayin'.) :-)
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