almost 7

Yes, Xami.  You are almost 7 months now and as July nears, I couldn't help wanting to see you already.  But no, you can't come out yet.  You have to stay there a couple more weeks.  My sugar went up to 260s yesterday because I ate a lot of sweet fruits.  I am so sorry about that.  I hope it doesn't affect you too much.  I think it's destroying my eyesight though. 

For a change, I tried to work not from my bed for two days but at the end of the second day, I almost fainted.  You really don't like me sitting up.  You want me horizontal all the time.  You don't even like it when I lie on my left side which is the position the doctor recommended, as you keep kicking and moving around a lot when I do that. You just like me flat on my back... so that's what I am doing.

Really, I am so excited to see you now.  I am thinking about the things your dad and I need to prepare for your coming.  I have some onesies for you already, but I have yet to buy your layettes, pillows and other stuff.  You don't have to fret on the stuffed toys department though, because daddy has already taken  care of that. I'm sure you'll love all the little stuffed bears, and cows, and kittens and chipmunks that he bought for you.


I love you, Xami.  See you in no time... :)

SUGAR SCARE

My blood glucose measurements are too high today--up to 165, and my BP went up to 130/110.  And you Xamyrrh keeps kicking at me.  I hope it only means you're becoming strong there and not because you are in distress.  I don't think I can bear losing you. Let's pray that our good Lord would hold us together longer and that you will be born healthy and that I would be there to take you in my arms and care for you until the day you don't need me anymore.  Your dad is in Manila trying to take a exam for his course.  I know he misses you and me already.  We love you so much, our sweetheart!  Please hang in there... we'll see you in no time.

In Bagabag with Papa and Kuya Yzlel

Today, papa, and Kuya Yzlel and I went to Bagabag.  First we went to the bank, got some money and went to Solano to register at AIM Global, then to Bagabag we went.

Papa helped Ninang Marianne with her computer needs but it took until 4pm and I was so tired already and you keep kicking me but it was not painful, I really love it when I feel you moving in my tummy.  Your kuya Yzlel and I went to the girl's dorm so Mama can lie down and rest a bit.  Kuya Yzlel was so bored he keeps talking and talking.  He even talks to you telling you to stay quiet and not move a lot because Mama is in pain. :)  He told me to talk to you 'dadan' so that you will not get bored like he was.

Kuya Yzlel's pieces of advise:

"Tita, hapit mo dadan hi Xami."
"Xami, ag ka pantegid. Mahakitan hi mamam."
"Tita, opisan taka hiyay ma-kal i hakit mo."
"Xami, hehgeden tayoh papam, magano, on-akad kiho law."

Your Kuya Yzlel is so cool.  You'll like him when you all grow up.

We arrived home at 6pm and I could not get up afterward.  Papa left for Manila tonight and it's you and me alone again.  He kissed you on my tummy and said, "I love you Xam, alagaan mo si mama ha!" :)


Papa and I love you so much, and we can't wait to see you na... if only I can pull the days para July na sana.  :)

Xami at 23 weeks

Yes, the little life growing inside of me is 23 weeks already,  She's been kicking at my bladder like crazy ever since we passed the 20-week mark.  I have been complaining about my having to go and empty my bladder every 15 minutes or so, and having to drink lots of fluid, but I miss it when Xami stops kicking.  So actually, I am enjoying this pregnancy except that I have to lie down most of the day. 

I keep imagining what it would be like to finally be a mother.  Sometimes I get nervous because I know that sometimes I can be very lazy and so sometimes I wonder if I will be mom enough to be any good to my child.

Oh Well, I guessed, every first time mother have asked this question once in their life. 

All I know is that I will love you and care for you, Xami, with every bit of my heart, person, and soul, and to the last of my strength.

I truly love you so much already... Xamyrrh Dawn Pido Lumawan. 

Tubal Preg Scare

I went on a binging spree researching about my health conditions that I tried to ignore this last few months,  thinking fatalistically, and telling my myself that if I die, I die, and so it doesn't make a difference if I manage my PCOS and my Diabetes or not.  Yes, I rebelled from the restrictive diet that I had to follow, and I went back to my old habits of eating sugars, not paying attention to what I eat and weigh, and not exercising.

But the last few weeks, I have been in one of my neurotic moods where I was very sad, manic-depressive, and just don't have the energy nor joy to face a in-another-state-of-mind beautiful day.  Then I noticed that I have missed my period and I have been feeling a general throbbing pain in my lower tummy.  Sometimes, it is throbbing, but sometimes it is sharp and it feels like a shock wave crossing across my abdomen.  I began to voraciously read again about ectopic pregnancy, ovarian cysts, insulin resistance and pregnancy in general.

I have been feeling the early signs of pregnancy:  mammary tenderness, nausea, and some sensitivity to smell but then today, every one of these symptoms disappeared. So again, I don't know if I am pregnant.  I should be able to do a hpt next week.

I was trying to remember if it felt like this when I first suffered from the tubal pregnancy in 2008.  Just thinking about undergoing another surgery, and the dragging months of recovery that would follow makes me want to just lie down and die. 

Plus when I look at myself in the mirror, the person looking back at me is someone I do not know.  She is so ugly, what with her acne-ravished face and her coarse dry hair and the lack of life in those eyes with the droopy eyelids.  I hate her.

It is good I still have work, and people to take care of.  Thank God.

Lord, sorry for being such a pain... if the earth would open its mouth because of my complaints, I probably would have been swallowed already. (I'm not complaining though, you know, I'm just sayin'.) :-)

BONE-TIRED

I crashed.  No, I don't mean it like the way a computer would crash. If I meant that, then I won't be here writing about it, right?

I went to bed after work last Friday and spent most of the night tiring my eyes out to be able to sleep.  I slept at around five in the morning, and woke up two hours later when the sun came shining through my curtains in full glaring glory, feeling as if I am hang-over.  The new medicine I am on has funny side effects.  You feel like you're having the worst morning sickness of your life, made even much worst by diarrhea and a hairsplitting headache.  But it does keep my blood sugar within normal and at least for the last two days, I have been free from the pain caused by my ovarian cysts.  So I guessed, there is no way to get the best of both worlds. I have to suffer the headache, the nausea, the dizziness, and the diarrhea, so I won't feel the cystic pain or so I won't die due to high blood sugar complications.  Sometimes, I wish I have the option to choose the latter, because it is the easiest of all my other choices.

Today is Sunday and nothing has improved.  I didn't go to church because my head swims when I try to get up.  I forced myself to bathe and almost lost conciousness in the bathroom.  Darn this body for rotting too early...

I am so tired of feeling like this...

ER... almost

I almost asked my husband to take me to the ER today, (although from past experiences, the ER in the hospitals in this side of the world aren't that encouraging either) after I felt a sudden chest pain, weakness in my limbs, dizziness, and nausea, which are all indicative of a heart attack. Now, why in the world would I get a heart attack? Well, yes! I am not the healthiest person, but heart attack?

So I decided to wait it out a little and see how it goes, telling myself to breathe in and out because it came to a point where all my awareness is focused on the crushing pressure on my chest that makes it so difficult to breathe. I voraciously searched the net for any possible diagnosis of the symptoms I was presenting and came across a forum where people with similar symptoms posted what their doctors found out (or mostly what they did not find out) and some remedies they've tried that somehow alleviated the discomfort.

A lot of them said it might be trapped gas that is causing the pain in the chest cavity. This is possible because the pain is usually accompanied by severe upper abdominal upset that radiates to the back and feels like someone has 'eleazarized' you. (Eleazar is Aaron the High Priest's son who wedged a sword into the back of someone.:) So I tried to drink a soda and the belching that ensued had somehow lessened the pain, that I was able to put a load into the laundry machine, but the pain came back after a few moments and so I ran back to bed. But as I am typing this, I have to stop a lot because the pain keeps coming back. This is even after I had called Lani to give me a back rub which released some of the pressure I was feeling on my back.

Last night, I had a terrible nape and throat pain after a long day of staring at my computer. It was so bad it feels like someone has put his fingers around my neck and was strangling me to death. I was beginning to feel disoriented and as if my ears were going to blow. I thought it was just fatigue, but when I started to feel nauseous, I remembered to check my blood sugar and the checker revealed 30mg/dl. I called my husband and we checked it again, and it was the same. I am supposed to be a diabetic, my blood sugar should be above 180. Then I remember, I have been on a medicine intended for my other condition but is actually a sugar-lowering medicine and I was also taking bitter gourd (ampalaya) capsules specifically to lower my blood sugar. So I ate a couple of tablespoons full of honey, and an Ibuprofen for the strangling spastic pain on my neck and a sleep aid and went to bed. I woke up this morning feeling shaky in my hands and knees, drank my coffee and went to work. Then at 5PM, I was preparing to start my exercise regimen (because a very dear friend lighted a fire under me this morning and told me to restart really exercising because she'd like me to have a longer life--thank you, S) when I suddenly felt the pain in my chest.

I was also reading about the toxicity of the medicine I was taking and lactic acidosis was one of its worst. This one can be fatal. Maybe this medicine is killing me softly... :-)

I'm going to the doctor on Thursday and prayerfully hoping that the chest pains I've been having are just trapped gas like all those people in the forum were talking about. Tomorrow, I have a teaching commitment to go to. Lord, please show me favor and let me be okay tomorrow.